Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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