I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize