I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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