What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
