im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize