He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
