So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
