Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
