omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
