I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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