Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
