I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
