I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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