I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
