No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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