I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
