There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
