I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
