i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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