Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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