tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
