marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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