I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So apparently I’m into choking now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
