You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
