I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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