I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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