Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
