I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
