So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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