can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
