R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
