So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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