He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
