so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
