READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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