he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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