we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
