someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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