My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
