we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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