If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
