Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ketchup is God's man juice
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
