I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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