Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize