Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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