I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
