I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize