You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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