Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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