I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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