You're my little dorito
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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