So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
