"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
