I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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