just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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