you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
