How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
