God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The Olympian is in my bed
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