Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
