I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
