my phone needs a breathalizer
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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