so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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