I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
